I will never forget the feeling of pain the day I found out. My baby boy was diagnosed with retinoblastoma. The feeling of helplessness that overcame me. Questioning why Loghan, why my baby boy. Wondering how can this be. Emotions rushing threw me that I have never experienced. I remember being angry at first, then guilt, and fear. Pain, frustration, sadness, hatred, depression, the emotions did not stop for weeks. The roller coster of emotions has settled for the most part, but I still have my days.
In the beginning all I felt was anger, and hatred for the would. I felt that there was someone or something to blame. No matter how many times the doctors told my it was a rare genetic mutation, I felt there was something a fault. I could not comprehend that Loghan's cancer was no one or no things fault. I needed to find the thing that caused it. I spent hours just thinking of who or what was to blame. The cancer was destroying me and keeping me from my son.
In time I was able to realize that there was nothing to blame for Loghan's cancer. This horrible and unfortunate thing just happened. No person or thing caused this, or did this to us, it just happened. With this realization I now was faced with a new dilemma. With nothing to point blame at how do I accept this. How do I say ok this just happened and I'm ok with it. Well I'm not ok with it and I never will be ok with it. This is when I became very sad and depressed.
With depression sinking in I spent a lot of time in self pity. Many of my days were spent doing nothing. Even at work I would just go and sit at my desk and do nothing. During this time I had a conversation with a friend who's son was killed. We spoke and I he wanted was more time with his son. He just wanted him back. He told me nothing mattered anymore. This day my depression ended, I felt refreshed, and I now knew what mattered. My son is here now and will be for a long time.
I now am happy for every moment we share. Every time he smiles at me. The noise of him and love he has. Through all of this Loghan has always been happy, innocent, and loving. Daddy loves you.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sean_Kaiser In the beginning all I felt was anger, and hatred for the would. I felt that there was someone or something to blame. No matter how many times the doctors told my it was a rare genetic mutation, I felt there was something a fault. I could not comprehend that Loghan's cancer was no one or no things fault. I needed to find the thing that caused it. I spent hours just thinking of who or what was to blame. The cancer was destroying me and keeping me from my son.
In time I was able to realize that there was nothing to blame for Loghan's cancer. This horrible and unfortunate thing just happened. No person or thing caused this, or did this to us, it just happened. With this realization I now was faced with a new dilemma. With nothing to point blame at how do I accept this. How do I say ok this just happened and I'm ok with it. Well I'm not ok with it and I never will be ok with it. This is when I became very sad and depressed.
With depression sinking in I spent a lot of time in self pity. Many of my days were spent doing nothing. Even at work I would just go and sit at my desk and do nothing. During this time I had a conversation with a friend who's son was killed. We spoke and I he wanted was more time with his son. He just wanted him back. He told me nothing mattered anymore. This day my depression ended, I felt refreshed, and I now knew what mattered. My son is here now and will be for a long time.
I now am happy for every moment we share. Every time he smiles at me. The noise of him and love he has. Through all of this Loghan has always been happy, innocent, and loving. Daddy loves you.
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